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October 28th, 2008 @ 10:56pm
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Ryder volunteered me to make Halloween cupcakes for the schools "Harvest Fest' this Thursday. Apparently that is as good as me actually volunteering. So these next two days are going to be spent baking when I'm not working at the salon or keeping my kid out of trouble. I don't even think I know how to make cupcakes look all Halloween like. Maybe some candy corn and those little rings that look like spiders with colored frosting.
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October 4th, 2008 @ 6:34am
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Ryder and I are starting the hunt for his Halloween costume early. So far he wants to either be Iron Man, The Hulk, or one of the Transformers. I need to get a costume as well, he insists that I can't take him trick or treating unless I'm dressed up too.
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August 17th, 2008 @ 3:33am
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Remind me next time that as much as I LOVE thunder storms, a four year old DIGGING their hands into my sides in the middle of the night out of fear is never comfortable.
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August 10th, 2008 @ 7:57am
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I thought I'd been doing good about Harry leaving but all these entries...they just remind me of what I lost...
One thing you can count on when being a parent? Having to shuffle your child around between three different birthday parties on the same day...IN THE RAIN! I'm going to go screw on my fake smile for the other parents now.
Anyone up for a late lunch wind down when I'm done?
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July 21st, 2008 @ 3:09am
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Rhett Miller // Come Around |
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I can't seem to sleep tonight, instead I'm just...sitting in bed, staring at the wall, listening to music. It's funny how the radio seems to know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. Take this for instance...
I'm dressed all in white and I remember the night you came onto me
And opened up my heart
I was hollow then 'til you filled me in
Now I'm empty again
I should have never let it start
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life unless you come around
So come around
Maybe it's just my subconscious making all the songs seem to fit my moods perfectly. Does that ever happen to anyone else?
Ryder is asleep next to me, curled up with the stuffed animal that Harry had given him for his birthday. Honestly? I don't think he's planning on putting it down anytime soon, especially since I've had to fight him to set it to the side just to take a bath since I had to tell him what was going on. There's nothing more I can do but wait it out with him, hopefully he'll forget that his 'uncle' isn't coming back and just think more about play dates and movies and just running around and getting dirty. Maybe I'll take him to the beach tomorrow, he loves to run around with Prince in the sand getting his feet wet and dirty. Anyone care to join me? Please?
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July 2nd, 2008 @ 12:37am
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He's not coming back.
He called me yesterday and said that he was staying in NY, there was nothing I could do to change his mind. I don't even know what happened, the last time I saw him he was so happy to see Ryder and I, he barely left our sides and kept telling me how much he hated being away from me and now...now he isn't coming back. The only thing I can think of is that he found someone else. Someone that doesn't have as much baggage as I do, someone he can love more because they don't remind him of someone he once lost. Or maybe I'm just not good enough, maybe I'm not meant to have anyone love me that isn't my son or a friend because my first love passed away and the second is just leaving me for a city.
The worst part is even on my end of things, it's Ryder. How am I going to tell him that the man who has basically been his father his entire life just isn't going to come back? He'd understand if it was because he wasn't able to come back but there is no way to tell a little kid that someone they love so much isn't coming back simply because they don't want to.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll just crawl into bed for a day or two and let Ryder go stay at his grandparents while I figure things out. At least there he won't see me crying or sad and be perfectly preoccupied. Evan's parents never turn down the chance to watch Ryder, not to mention I don't think they'll be able to comprehend Harry's sudden change of heart anymore than I can.
Maybe I should just give up on love. Love only takes my attention way from Ryder anyways right?
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June 6th, 2008 @ 10:54pm
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lonely |
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Does anyone every just feel..lonely? It's not like I have any reasons too, I'm surrounded by people that I love who love me, even as I write this Ryder is asleep using my lap for a pillow. Tamsyn is sitting in the chair to my left watching a movie, laughing now and then when she talks to me. Not to mention I have an amazing boyfriend but...right now I still feel lonely. Maybe it's because I keep seeing/hearing people talk to their families, and they then ask me about my own and I don't have much to give them in return. Just Ryder, and while he is more than enough family for me I sometimes wonder what I missed out on. No one ever wanted me as a child, I just bounced around fosters homes until I got too old and just stayed in one until I was eighteen. That was about the closest thing to a family I ever had.
I don't need a family by any means but...is it wrong to want one? Want to be able to have said that when I was four my mother use to sing me to sleep or that my father once took me out of school early for ice cream?
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January 25th, 2008 @ 2:19am
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Being sick sucks. Being dehydrated is even worse. The doctor really should have just given me IV's to take home instead of me constantly having to drink water, juice, milk, and brooth. Not to mention they want me to stay off of the heavier foods until my bodies back up and running.
Whats the use of my damn ability if I can't get it to work on myself when I ACTUALLY need it?
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December 27th, 2007 @ 2:05pm
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Ryder hasn't stopped playing with any of his Christmas toys yet, continuiously switching from the dinosaurs that Harry got him to the Lincoln logs his grandparents. I keep walking on things and my god do legos hurt! I think I have tiny little bruises all over my feet, its not a comfortable feeling at all.
My birthday was nice too, minus one HUGE little thing but Gavin easily took that off my mind. I'd forgotten what fun it could be to crawl through ball pits and have fights with my son. Gav, you get a perfect ten for the night -- Pizza was amazing, the playsets were amazing, and the prizes you got me and Ryder with the tickets are amazing.
{Private to Tam and Marissa}
I kicked him out. I actually kicked Harry out of my apartment. He showed up with...some girl clinging to him and it made me sick. She was all...gorgeous and cocky about it without being cocky. I think I made it about half an hour before having to pull him to the side and ask him to please leave and take her with him.
On my birthday of all days! I don't know what it is but it just made me angry at him. SO angry. The man goes to Chicago, barely talks to me over the phone that much and then comes back with a girlfriend. Who DOES that?
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December 5th, 2007 @ 2:08am
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[[Backdated to around six PM Tuesday Night]]
Ryder is spending the night at his grandparents house.
I need to get out of my own. Any takers on joining me? I'm thinking about dancing And drinking. Lots of drinking.
( Previous Comments on GJ )
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November 28th, 2007 @ 1:15am
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{Blocked from Harry}
Thanksgiving. He kissed me. And I kissed him back. And Ryder wasn't in the room, so we didn't stop.
I don't know. This is wrong. I shouldn't have been kissing him. He's Evan's best friend, and that would be wrong.
That IS wrong.
I've just been lonely for a long time. Thats why. Maybe its a sign that I should start dating.
{End Blocked from Harry}
I'm back in Seattle.
Parker, time to get your hair done.
Marissa, time for me to introduce Ryder to his future bride.
Tam, time for us to have lunch. Badly.
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October 23rd, 2007 @ 5:02pm
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It's a gorgeous day. The birds are out, the sun is out...and my son is running around the apartment like a crazy bird.
Who wants to go to the park with us? Dogs are welcome because Prince loves other pups to play with.
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October 17th, 2007 @ 2:42pm
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The first thunder storm in ages...Prince is hiding under the bed and Ryder is clinging to my shoulder. All I can do is stare out the window and smile at the rainbow. Yes rainbow! Its thundering and lightning but the sun is still out and the rain is pouring. An amazing sight.
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October 11th, 2007 @ 1:22am
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So um...I have a date...maybe.
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September 19th, 2007 @ 5:18am
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{Private}
Today is the anniversary of Evans death. It also happens to be the day I found out I was pregnant with Ryder. Each year I think it might not hurt as badly, however I've proven wrong. This year it might be hurting even more. Ry looks so much like his father its scary. Same color hair and eyes, they even have the same laugh and smile. Evan would be so proud of him, just like Duncan is. Maybe thats why it hurts so much. My heart thinks that I'm replacing Evan with Duncan. I love Duncan with everything I have, but I'm sure he knows there will always be that small part of me in love with Evan. He was my first love, the father of my child, and he lost his life before we could further the one we were building together.
I hate this. I shouldn't feel bad for loving Duncan, bu today...today I do. Today I feel like I should be wearing all black and refusing to eat food. I should be mourning Evan with more than just a few tears here and there when our son does something that makes me go 'Evan did that exact same thing'. When remembering him I shouldn't be wanting Duncan to hug me like he does and reassure me that everythings going to be okay. But I do. I want him right by my side with his arm around my shoulders making me feel safe and at ease.
{End Private}
{Private to Duncan}
Duncan...can you not go into work today?
{End Private to Duncan}
I'm moving on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
This year it hurts so much because I realize I am finally moving on.
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September 9th, 2007 @ 8:49pm
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I'm craving berries.
Duncan - We should go to a movie soon. Get out of the house and away from work.
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September 1st, 2007 @ 7:16am
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Having three boys in the house is nothing but trouble, especially when they ambush you and pull you into the sprinkler.
On a side note I think we're getting a new couch.
And I am head over heels in love with my boyfriend and his kids I could do without his ex though
Marissa hun, I think I should bring you some cheesecake tomorrow, what do you think?
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August 18th, 2007 @ 1:47pm
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In response to all the men bashing I thought I would shine a little light on the gender. It seems only fair that not all be categorized as jackass.
Duncan asked Ryder, Prince, and I to move in with him instead of taking the apartment. We agreed without hesitation. So the two of us will finally be able to call the place that feels like home to us, home.
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August 7th, 2007 @ 4:26pm
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I think I found an apartment, condo actually. The area is too good to be true, the rents even better and the view is fantastic. The woman living there is is moving in with her son and instead of selling it she wants to rent it out and thinks I'm perfect for it. When she asked if I wanted to take it I told her yes, well...I told her I thought I did but I needed time to think about it. I have until the end of the week before she offers it to the next person in line.
How can I say no to the best place, best rent, and possibly best landloard minus Duncan I've seen since starting this entire endeavor?
.:Private to Self:.
I don't want to go. An apartment of my own is the last thing I want anymore, not to mention Ryder has grown so attatched to Duncan. I've grown so attatched to being near Duncan I can barely fall asleep without him somewhere nearby. He himself has said that he sleeps better when I'm there, and yet he still hasn't asked me to stay. Maybe I just shouldn't have gotten my hopes up thinking that us loving each other would change things? Or maybe I should leave and hope he sees how much he'd miss me? The last thing I want to do is push him into anything. It just sucks because I know what I want, and what I want is him! I want to live with Duncan, I want to fall asleep next to Duncan every night, I want him to be the father that Ryder never had, and I want him to be with me.
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July 25th, 2007 @ 9:33pm
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PRIVATE I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Don't know where I'm going with anything. I love him, he loves me...and the other day Ryder was looking at a picture of him and called him daddy... END PRIVATE
I just paid rent for an apartment I'm not even living in anymore.
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July 17th, 2007 @ 2:48pm
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Someone just paid me over three hundred dollars for a hair cut.
I didn't ask them...they gave me it....
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July 8th, 2007 @ 3:37pm
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.:Private to Duncan:.
Um...are you doing anything tonight?
.:End Private to Duncan:.
.:Private to Marissa:.
Do you think you could watch Ryder tonight?
.:End Private to Marissa:.
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July 4th, 2007 @ 11:36pm
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.:Private to Marissa:.
.....
I kissed him.
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July 3rd, 2007 @ 12:46am
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I tried going home today.
The place is still a mess, glass is everywhere...everything is everything.
God I can't do it.
.:Private to Duncan:.
Ryder and I are going to go to a hotel until we find an apartment.
You need the room for your boys, and I don't want to bother you.
Having a three year old running around can't be helping you with work and things.
.:End Private to Duncan:.
.:Private to Marissa:.
I think...I think I have feelings for him.
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